Mystery Solved!

The following Yo-Adriane mystery is almost as intriguing as the ghosts lurking in Jerome, AZ (the ones inside the building that is...not the one standing in front of it).

As far back as I can remember, I have made the following sound on an almost regular basis:

Arggghemmmm..Ahhhkkkkk..Arrrrrr!!!

Okay, I don't really know how to linguistically describe the sound but just think of a cat coughing up a really horrendous hairball that NEVER actually surfaces. Or better yet, just imagine Gollum hacking up some pretty stale elven bread. Got it? Okay, so you got a pretty good idea of my less-than-lady-like habit.

Up until yesterday, I really had no definite explanation as to why I did this.

If you were to ask me to guess, I would have probably attributed it to one of the following scenarios:

A) I have an incessant cold.

B) I imagined a medical condition to grab people's pity.

C) I permanently damaged my respiratory system when I recently scarfed a piece of cake down the wrong tube in my throat.

In actuality, the answer has a little do with all three answers...Incessant, Medical Condition, and Respiratory System....So, have you guessed yet?

Well, if you did, your logic must be clearer than mine because I honestly didn't think I would have to deal with.....drum roll please....wait for it...here it comes......ASTHMA!!!!!!!!!

Did I make that dramatic enough for you? I hope so b/c J always says I can be such a drama Q...and I think he is right...so here it is again......

DUDE, I HAVE ASTHMA!

I got the less-than-exciting news yesterday during a doctor's visit in which I was convinced I had bronchitis. Yeah, if only I were so lucky...

And yet, should I rejoice that I have solved this 20-something year old mystery? Should I?

I guess I SHOULD be grateful that I can now silence my death gag with the help of modern, chemical-laden technology.

I know you know what an inhaler is...it's for middle school P.E. first aid kits, right? But did you know, us asthma suffer-ees can also inhale fine, steroid-choked powder through a cute, little, self-priming, purple disc??? It's sooooo cool man.....

And how about the names for these drugs?

ProAir and AdvAir.

They make it sound like I been promoted or something. Yeah I'd like a new introduction now...."Hi I'm Adriane, Senior Executive of Flem-No-More Inc."

But I guess their strategy is reverse psychology...They make you think their drugs = personal freedom when really you're like two steps away from becoming a full-out inhaler addict. Didn't Millhouse from the Simpsons or Steve Urkel or someone like that on tv suffer from inhaler addiction? Yeah, whoever it was, I'll be him/her in like two prescription refills.

You may ask (or at least I had to ask myself)...Am I still normal?

Sure. If you can call a girl with overgrown bangs, size 10W feet, and an undying love of onions and smoked oysters normal. I'm normal.

Truth be known, I'm actually happy I found out what was wrong with me. It's a relief. No more "cough girl" stigma or people thinking I may or may not have some hideous germ which will eventually ripen into the formidable H1N1 ...yeah, all I have to worry about now is if I remember to pack my inhaler in my purse. To quote my new hero, Nacho Libre, "My life is good...really good!!"

--A

Yo-Adriane Home Remedy

Bucksta and 'da rest of the Smith clan

Rumor has it my sistah is out sick, yo.

I've tried to call her once today to confirm this, but alas no luck.

Sooooo, I'm think the rumor is true.

No Bucksta chat for today. Waaaahhhhwaaaahhhhh.....

Sooooo, I'm going cheer her up via blog.

Okay, Bucky here's the top ten things that will make you laugh and they are all about my week:

#10 I fried 8 lbs. of hot wings this morning (2 lbs. for the Elders....they're from the South...special request....and 0.5 lbs. for J's lunch and 5.5 lbs for a potluck in one hour) and my hair totally smells like burnt grease (or Chinese food...take your pick)....AND it totally smelled like burnt grease during church...I hope nobody noticed.

#9 I wore a pair of black 1940s-esque pants yesterday (HIGH waist and wide legs) and I thought it was so cool but then Justin came home gave and gave me that look like "Honey, are you wearing old-lady pants...again?"

#8 A new liter of cats is living under our traile...uhumm I mean, mobile housing unit...and causing quite the ruckus. Every time they get into a fight, I swear one of them is going to pop into the house via the heating vent....scarrryyyy!

#7 I broke out with a cluster of zits on my right cheek resemblying the Pleiades.....who knows, maybe Mother Teresa will be next?

#6 I made 250 tortilla wrap thingees yesterday for our Primary activity (as well as a crap load of other stuff) all while listening to Ravi Santra (can't remember if that was his name) 1993's concert in Albert Hall.....just think 90 minutes of Lagaan-esque Indian music....I was quite hypnotized.

#5 At church today, my tights never stayed higher than mid-cheek (I know TMI...my apologies).

#4 I realized this week that gaining weight in my gut has its advantages....my center of gravity is lower and so I can pull out a double pirouette almost every time.

#3 Friday night J and I ate at this Mexican joint in town called "Casa Antigua." We were the only ones there and there was this really sappy Julio Iglesias/Willy Nelson song playing....I really felt like that was as probably as close to a romantic date with my husband as I will get...wahhwahhh.

#2 I actually bought fall decorations for my porch.

#1 The other day I found this 3 inch long blonde hair portruding from my right cheek (the one on my face of course)..how many times do I look in the mirror AND somehow this freak of nature was able to go under the radar????????

Well, Bucky I've had oodles of crazier things happen to me. I guess I'll just have to wait and tell you all about them some other time.

I hope you feel better soon..and the rest of the fam too.

Love ya!

--A

Live Life Light

A few related experiences this past week have confirmed the title of this post for me.

Live Life Light...hmmm, what do YOU think this means? Less material baggage in your home?...Uh, huh. Less emotional darkness in you mind?....Yep. Less perpetual flab in your gutcha?...You got it! So here's the run-down of what happened this past week:

#1 Six days ago. After months of looking at the same old junk accumulating in my home--papers, old socks, re-usuable cottage cheese containers--I decided to go on a full-out, Nazi-esque organizing rampage. I got rid of old clothes (J's mostly), filed months of bills, stacked camping gear/stuff I only use once in an eon in ONE corner of the house, AND (proudly) re-organized every box of food storage while placing my "run-out-the-door-in-case-a hurricane-hits-Camp Verde-tomorrow" supplies in clear view.

#2 Five days ago. This one is probably a no brainer...General Conference totally uplifted my spirits and relieved some of the emotional darkness/anxiety/uncertainty/depression (or getting close to it) feelings from my soul.

#3 Two days ago. So this is the real eye-opening one for me....Okay, (breathe)...here we go...Soooo, Justin asked me if I was pregnant. Now, before your imagination runs wild with sweet thoughts and images of me in Peas 'N the Pod attire, I correct you...I AM NOT PREGO...but for some apparent reason the hubby thinks I am. This is how the conversation went down...or at least how I remembered it:

Him: (surprised, still waking up from bed) Honey, are you pregnant?

Me: (standing near the dresser and just finishing getting dressed) What? Pregnant?

Him: (second guessing his decision to have popped the question) Umm, yeah. I mean your pants just look a little tight around the waist. That's all.

Me: (looking clearly bewildered, shocked, speechless...thinking "That's all????!!!!") No, of course not. There's no way I could be. I mean I'm pretty sure I'm not. What? You mean I LOOK pregnant?

Him: (speaking quickly, realizing the error of his ways) No, not at all. It must be your jeans or something. Actually, now that I see you better, you don't really look pregnant at all.

Me: (in disbelief) No, if you said I looked pregnant, I MUST look pregnant.

Him: (trying to redeem himself now) Honey it's okay if you've put on a little weight around the middle. I still think you're cute.

Me: (thinking it would be great to BE pregnant but if I am NOT then it's really not cool to look like it) Yeah, thanks. That's sweet hon.

And then the conversation ended...at least on my part. Poor Justin, he felt really bad for popping the question. He kept trying to apologize and emphasize really sweet things that I should appreciate but at the moment I was completely out-of-tune with like how much he loved me and how it doesn't matter how I look in a pair of jeans. Meanwhile, I just mopped around the house for the rest of the morning feeling like a complete un-sexy, frump-case that should start investing in the sportswear from Hanes-Her-Way rather than more of the current CK jeans I was wearing. (I remember the slogan from CK Jeans...so misleadingly modeled by 20 something-year old Brooke Shields, "Nothing comes between me and my Calvin Kleins"...yeah, apparently...there's no room to spare in mine!)

Well, at this point either you will sympathize with my story or tell me to shut-it and stop indulging in feelings of self-pity and marginalized self-worth. If you tell me the latter, I think you are right. Size, shape, weight DOESN"T matter in the scheme of life...we are all beautiful no matter how we look because we were created from above.

HOWEVER, I must at least vent these vain sentiments OTHERWISE I will never accept the truth and that is that right now I have some considerable extra baggage on my flanks. Solution? I have decided that I want to focus on taking care of my body BECAUSE it is special, it is a tool, it is a temple. The Lord has blessed me with good health and a working body so I should be grateful for that and strive to improve it so I can do better things in my life like serving others and exemplifying my talents, etc. etc. etc. In this regard, I remind myself of someone who is a great example of taking care of their body so as to take care of others...Grandfather Freestone. I remember a few years ago one of my cuzs told me about their grandpa and how he dedicated every workout to the Lord (no joke he does this) and how he eats super healthy stuff b/c he wants to continue to be able to serve the Lord. What an example?!

Well, while I may never strive for a healthy body out of purely unselfish reasons (I am more likely to do it so as to avoid`getting asked the pregnant question), there's no reason for me not to at least try.

So remember folks, the quote for the day is....LIVE LIFE LIGHT (and perhaps lite too)

That's right don't accumulate crap in your house b/c pretty soon your possessions will OWN YOU.

And, don't restrict the light of God from illuminating your life b/c you will end up in a place where the light don't shine.

And finally, take care of yourself b/c you will feel better, serve better, and most importantly, look better rockin' your circa 1998 pair of Calvin Klein jeans.

Like pet, like owner...I don't have a recent pic of myself right now (thankfully the camera needs to be replaced) but you pretty much get the idea from seeing my cat, Beetle.

--A

P.S. Copyright for today's quote goes to my dear mother who most recently has been engaged in empty-ing and zen-ifying her house.