As Justin and I don't have any kiddos yet, our free time is pretty well scheduled for taking naps, going on walks, and watching more movies than I should probably admit. Yes, I know it is self-indulgent, but you might say we are "living it up" while we can.
Besides, our time hasn't been wholly useless.
We have become what you might call "cinema connoisseurs." In fact, I think that I may have a future career in critiquing films...just think "Ragan and Roper." Sounds good, huh? Anyways, I think I can confidently say that I have had about as much exposure to films of every genre as any other noteworthy film critic. Here's a sample of my repertoire:
Hollywood Classics
Casa Blanca
Ben Hur
The Quiet Man
Action
Comedy
Romance
Musicals
West Side Story
Sound of Music
Hairspray
And the genre that gives me the cutting edge over other film critics.....
LDS Flicks
With my credentials firmly established, I would now like to turn the remainder of this post to warn you about those movies that are not top-notch, best of Hollywood, worth your $19.99 to buy the DVD time. However, because there are so many of those dreadful "C" list movies to avoid and I know most of my viewers are concerned, value-driven parents, I will focus on only those worth your time--they are what I call the "Disney Knock-offs."
Yes, folks. This is not make-believe. There are ruthless, money-hungry producers out there who would take advantage of your parental innocence and try to convince you that their movies are the real Disney deal. But before you lose sleep over it, be assured that I am here to prevent such a disaster. My movie-watching indulgences have not been in vain! I will now disclose to you the Top 10 Knock-off movies that I have come across and which you should avoid because they are either 1) morally questionable, 2) devoid of any juvenile appeal, or 3) in complete bad taste.
And with no further adieu, here they are:
#10 The Little Fish Woman
Remember how sweet and innocent Ariel was? Well, this film will, for sure, conjure the most un-natural and scary images in your children's heads because it has the premises all backwards. Unlike Ariel who had the upper body of a woman and the lower of a fish, the little fish woman has the head of a fish and the body of a woman. AND, she is no sweet fish either...no lovely goldfish or cute koi. No, no, she is none other than the carnivorous and deadly piranha. That's right lady and gents. The little fish woman EATS people. I don't know what the writers were thinking of here, perhaps they wanted to show an "ugly beautiful" type of princess to appeal to mass audiences. But, in the end, this movie is a real sinker because after the little fish woman gets married to the prince, her appetite overwhelms her love for him and, yep, you guessed it...Bon Appetit!
"Someday I'll be part of your world!"
#9 El Stupido
With all of the bilingual, multi-cultural action going on in America, some ambitious producer decided to do a Spanish re-make of the Disney classic Dumbo. While the story is basically the same in El Stupido--momma elephant separated from her baby, baby is sad and tries to "fly" back to her, and malicious circus people try to ruin everyone's lives--the whole thing is in Spanish. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having movies in non-English languages...in fact, I think it is great...but the problem in this film is that the producers didn't do a thorough translation check on the dialogue. Consequently, a few Spanish expletives made their way into the film. Oooppss, now that was real stupido!!
#8 101 Gators
The unforgettable character of Cruela De'vil is reinvented in this modern knock-off as "Creula De-diva." De-diva is a unscrupulous, fashion profiteer who specializes in "Bling! Bling!" style. In the film, De-diva has her heart set on creating the ultimate booty-licious ensemble. Her dream outfit comes to her one day when she hears about a family of 101 rare spotted alligators cozily nesting in the New Orleans Zoo. After promising the zoo keeper's 10% of the sales from the gator creation, De-diva successfully nabs her prize and ships them off to some shady shop in China Town, NYC for the augmentations. Upon arriving at the shop, the workers decide to take the reptiles to the corner Chinese market first. They figure they can capitalize on selling the meat and still save the skins for De-diva. The plan backfires when the gators smell the fish in the plastic buckets outside and, in one un-foreseeable moment, escape from their captors. Of course, the shop workers panic when they discover that Kung Fu doesn't have the same effect on alligators (it only infuriates them). In the end, the gators wipe out the store's stash of seafood and then make a mad dash for the sewers of NYC. They are safe there and they live out their days with plenty of food and public concealment.
How about Teenage Mutant Ninja Gators next?
I now turn the time over to four of the Pixar-Disney knock-offs...
#7 Toy Tale
When it came out, Toy Story was a smashing hit. As the first computer generated Disney film, its special effects awed audiences and raked in the bucks for the Mouse House. Hoping to have the same success, the knock-off Toy Tale was created and released within weeks of the original Disney film. Because the company who produced Toy Tale had so little time to put the whole thing together, they opted for the easy-to-hire, acting outcasts to play the main roles. The cowboy "Pape-y" was played by a slightly torn paper doll who was always turned down for A-list roles because of safety risks (paper cowboys really number their days when they smoke cigars). And, the astronaut "Buzz Lightspeed" was played by the Captain Kirk action figure. Anyways, getting back to the film, the story is about the same as the original (and so it is pretty good), but it went downhill with the music score. With less than 10 days to make the film, the producers probably knew they couldn't ask someone like Elton John or John Williams to do the job, so instead they settled on the Backstreet Boys. In my opinion, the use of their song "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" when Pape-y is rejected by his owner was a bit too dramatic for a kid's film...better to leave that kind of drama for chick flicks.
Apparently the toy version of William Shatner has had a hard time scoring A-list roles too.
#6 Life of a Roach
Who would have thought bugs were cute? Well, Disney was able to convince people that ants, flies, praying mantises, and even fleas were as cute and lovable as their distant mammalian cousins like Bambi and Tigger in the hit A Bug's Life. Don't you know this philosophical success did not go un-noticed? The Cockroach Liberation Union (CLU) took the hint and made the film Life of a Roach with the intent of elevating the status of roaches everywhere. Whereas this film is different from the original in the storyline (the roaches are social outcasts not just from humans but also other bugs), the end result is the same--to deceive children into thinking that these tiny creatures are people and not pests.
#5 Monsters Mafia
So what's worse your kid becoming a monster or joining the mafia? Well, in this film they are one in the same. Monsters Mafia is based on the box-office smash Monsters, Inc. which revolves around the monster organization that makes it a business to scare little children. Monsters Mafia takes it a step further. In this film, the organization in question is really a secret society of monsters who live off their plundering from rich suburban households. The monsters are so successful at what they do because they recruit children to join the mafia and do their dirty work. They target children who hold grudges against their parents (like the ones who demand their children to be perfect students, athletes, musicians, etc. etc.). Once they join the mafia, the children stay in "Little Boo-talia," and in return for pinching their parents' cell phones, antiques, and credit cards, they get to enjoy an endless supply of pizza, access to MySpace, and maid services to do all their laundry.
Kind of like this movie, just add the mafia thing
#4 Mopeds
Did you know Lightning McQueen has an Italian cousin? His name is Lightning McRoni and he is the star of Mopeds. McRoni is the fastest Vespa in all of Rome and typically spends his time guzzling grade-A benzina, romancing the ladies, and racing the lesser mopeds around the Colosseum. McRoni's life turns upside-down however, when his racing career goes international and he is invited to compete in the annual "Salt Flats 500." McRoni flys across the world to Salt Lake City, Utah to prove that the Italians are numero uno and no one can beat them. After his plane lands at the airport, he tries to find the Salt Flats, but soon becomes lost. For starters, he is unaccustomed to riding on the right-hand side, and secondly, his apparent understanding of the English language hasn't helped him squat in reading the signs on I-15. After a few hours of confusion, McRoni ends up in Provo where he gets a speeding ticket. He argues with the cop and then gets put in the slammer and sentenced to 10 days community service where he has to transport BYU engineering students on dates. McRoni is furious at his situation and can't believe he is missing the race. He tries to sneak out, but is side-tracked by an invite to race a local, lower-end moped. McRoni wins by a mile and, in doing so, steals the heart of the most envied two-wheeled, college cutie--Rachel Christian-sen. McRoni forgets about his life as a racer, joins the LDS church, marries Rachel and lives happily ever after...You may think at this point, yeah so what's so bad about this knock-off? It has good morals and a happy ending, right? Well true, but the LDS producers who made the film used every church-related joke in the book and that, at least for me, may be questionable in regards to taste.
McRoni displaying himself for the ladies
And the final three are...
#3 Belle and Bubba
Do you remember how Beauty and the Beast was set in the ever-so romantic countryside of France? Well, Belle and Bubba establishes itself in the picturesque landscape of France's American counterpart--Louisiana. Belle, as the name implies, is a southern belle who is forced to live a humbler life when her father, Popeye Sanders, loses his fried chicken empire to the new wave of fast-food health-food. Despite her new state of poverty, Belle doesn't let it get the best of her. She gets a job at a local alfalfa farm so she can provide for herself and her dad--especially his medical bills from his high blood pressure. Now enter the owner of the farm, Bubba. At first, Bubba is utterly annoyed at Belle (although he phrases it more like the following "Dog nam it, woman! Don't cha know da diff'rence batween horse manure and cow manure!! One's fur the alfalfa and one's fur al' da other crap we grow around here!). But after time, he begins to notice that Belle has other skills which could be profitable to him--like she makes a mean peach pie and her small hands would be good at cleaning his most prized shot guns. So he trys to get his act together and impress her. He wears a shirt...even on hot days, takes care of personal business near the compost pile instead of the rose bushes, and even removes the bottle of RAID on the kitchen table so he can invite her to dinner. Belle resists his advances for what seems like forever, until one day, Bubba saves her from the attack of a rabid skunk. Consequently, Belle falls desperately in love with Bubba and agrees to marry him. She then finds out they are cousins twice-removed, but continues with the marriage because, as you know, relatives marry each other in both red neck AND aristocratic social circles.
Oh I guess, Bubba sure does like those peach pies
#2 Plastic Beauty
Plastic Beauty is the knock-off of Sleeping Beauty. It is set in Malibu, where celebrity superstar Brad Bitt falls in love with famed stage actress Aurora Molie. However there is a catch, Bitt loves Molie's personality but won't marry her because he feels that her looks are not quite ready for the red carpet. Consequently, Bitt pays buku bucks for Molie to get some plastic surgery and reveal her true beauty. While Molie is "under the knife," the evil ex-girlfriend...oh, I mean evil witch, appears and botches the surgery. Molie comes out of the ordeal looking like Joan Rivers on crack and the prince is determined to get revenge. He sends Molie to Mexico where she can get the surgery fixed under the radar, and then secretly finds the evil witch at the office of her botox technician. Bitt gives the technician a six-figure bribe with instructions to pump her face so full of botox that she can never again NOT smile and her only career option will be to become the fifth member of the Wiggles.
(music in the background)
"Smile, smile, smile, smile....everybody loves to smile!"
#1 Alice in the Hood
There have been so many knock-offs of Alice in Wonderland that perhaps it is un-fair to name just one. But since I can only name one, the worst is probably Alice in the Hood. In this film, Alice is a happy-go-lucky girl from the Hamptons who spends her days shopping at the Banana Republic, reading the latest edition of Vogue, and doing yoga every three hours. One day, Alice is invited to a posh party in Mahattan via a text message she receives on her "Rabbit" phone (the newest and most expensive Blackberry model). Following the Rabbit's GPS directions, Alice hops into her Hybrid Mercedes and heads off to the Big Apple. Things take a turn for the worst when the Rabbit loses its signal and Alice gets lost. After an hour of frantic driving, Alice pulls over and asks the first person she sees where she is. To her utter dismay, the man replies that she is in the heart of New Jersey. Scared now, Alice keeps driving and trys to find someone she can comfortably talk to. She spots a guy in a flashy, yet expensive-looking white suit. After talking with him, she finds out that he is the King Ice-Chest and nobody can leave his dominion without giving him something in return. Alice offers her Rabbit phone, but Ice-Chest knows they are crap and refuses. He then asks for her Hybrid because he doesn't have one in his car collection. Alice refuses, floors the accelerator and makes like a banshee outta there. The rest of the story is about how Alice tries to leave the 'hood but keeps getting lost and side-tracked by covert drug hand-outs. In the end, one of Ice-Chest's dudes steal the car and Alice flees with her life by swimming across the strait of Arthur Kill to Stanten Island and then catches a garbage ferry back to Mahanttan where she patiently waits along 5th Avenue for Daddy to pick her up.
"New Jersey: Where people check in, but don't check out."
--A
