The other night I couldn't sleep, and so I did what everyone woman does best...worry.
Not that my life isn't going pretty good, I just did the normal female stress session--I thought about laundry that needed to be done (stinky!), a fridge that needed to be disinfected (gross!), bills to pay (boo!), legs that need to be shaved (I know, I know...TMI--Too Much Information!), vehicles that needed oil changes (not a normal worry of mine, trust me, but somehow this upcoming move is bringing out the inner worrier in me), and the list goes on. Somehow I knew that thinking about something wouldn't ever work for helping me fall asleep (I read this in a self-help brochure entitled, "20 Ways to Your Best Sleep," you know), so I compromised and decided to think about something more productive...my top 10 list.
After a few rough starts like top 10: "Reasons to avoid moving," "Cures for late night onion breath," and "Ways to kill spiders," I decided upon the perfect topic..."Top 10 things that have revolutionized women's lives"...So here it goes:
#10 disposable diapers--I know these takes eons to decompose (and I kind of feel bad about that) but I CANNOT possibly image cleaning poo-encrusted cotton rags everyday of my maternal life. I know many a women did this for, well, centuries? millenia? (wait what did biblical moms use...sheepskin?) anyways...my admiration goes out to them but I am so glad it is a thing of the past.
#9 2 piece undies--even in the LDS world, we all have to give a shout out for the two-pieces...HOORAY! In my opinion, onesies are for everyone who can't walk to the toilet and take care of their own business...the "backdoor" compartment was never meant to co-exist in the modern world.
#8 washing machines--notice I have only included ONE electronic item; although there are definitely tons, this is my pick...I got hand weights and thigh masters to tone my arms, so I don't need to spend 3+ hours a day washing on a metal-rippled enslavement trap.
#7 feminine hygiene products--first of all, let get real honest because nobody seems to with the female menstrual cycle...the term "female hygiene products" is just the nice, politically correct, socially comfortable way of talking about: pads (a.k.a women's pampers), tampons (a.k.a. "tammies"), and the optional pantyliner (I don't think there is an a.k.a. here). I know in some circles this talk is taboo, but let's get real people, the only reason these things were invented is because women started talking, and they started talking openly and blatantly about how much those cotton bum-stirrups DON'T work...period (pun intended of course!).
#6 epidurals--haven't had one yet, but all I can say is I am going to!
#5 cake mixes--while homemade is better (for sure), can you believe you can have scrumptuousity (real word?) in less than 2 minutes of prep?!
#4 concealer--so many beauty products have made a huge impact on women's lives and actually I am beginning to agree with the school of thought that less IS more with make-up, but this one is definitely my pick...I have found with my own self that I can look acceptable without all the other jazz, but if my skin looks red, blotchy, scarred (man, I knew I shouldn't have picked my skin as a teenager!), and/or has any resemblance to a burnt pancake, then I know I need some of that cosmetic spackle!
#3 online banking--who doesn't hate paying bills?! at least with the online route, it is fast, direct, and doesn't produce paper cuts...besides, I know if you are like me the option of being able to transfer $ between savings and checking is a REAL lifesaver!
#2 plastic razors--perhaps shaving wouldn't be an issue at all if women had never done it...either our hair would be soft and light or men would never know the difference, right? well, the truth is that once you start, goodness knows you can't stop (unless you're a Euro of course), and plastic razors sure beat metal blades...for that matter, the $5 razors sure beat the 10 for a dollar kind...which, everyone who knows me, knows I hate spending $$ on the expensive stuff, so this is a definite truth!
#1 Baby Einstein videos--until I have kids, perhaps I cannot form many opinion about parenthood...goodness knows I don't want to be Oprah...but I don't think TV is good for kids. Now that I sound like a self-righteous, ignorant, hypocrite (you know I spent plenty of time in front of the tube as a kid, teenager, and adult--the "You Tube" you know), let me explain. I think there are some great TV shows for kids--educational or just plain fun, but I think kids should watch TV as a treat and not 5 hours a day (and perhaps a day or two when mommy is just fed up with her kids and needs a free babysitter!). Now enter Baby Einstein...these videos are awesome. I am sure they are passe by now, but they work...I have never seen a crazy toddler behave better than when watching them. Luckily, I have a little while until we will have kids, so I am sure the research will be out there to show whether Baby E causes cancer, ADHD, sub-conscious feelings of neglect, or some other abnormality, but in the meantime this is one of the few tube-treats my kids will be exposed to!
--A
